Saturday, December 8, 2012

I was so young, and I took life so fucking seriously. I guess that will happen to you when you've been surrounded by so much darkness. How can you live your life with ease, when you expect torture? You fucking can't. He came into my life, and I fell in love with him the day he kissed me. I wish someone had pulled me aside that night and had said do not fuck this up. It is not that I fucked it up, nothing is fucked per say. I was just one of those very mislead children. I got lost way too early. Older friends would look at me and tell me how they had been there too. I spat at their condescending tones, and refrained my mind from considering their "idiotic" words. They didn't know anything about my situation, I would tell myself. That's the thing if someone is ever trying to help you, never ignore it or them. Chances are they know more than you do, and you need the advice they are giving. I just never listened to anybody. I thought I knew everything. I hid behind this woman that was really just a fucking little girl. I fooled everybody. Even when I had braces, I was still treated like I was 18. It is so unbelievably sad to me that I wanted to grow up so quickly, what about what I have right now? I never considered that.
I was a teenage girl full of angst and corruption. I was taken in too early to realize there was a way out, or to realize there was another life. What a horrid mistake. Honestly I am not writing this to discuss the past or reflect on the past. I spent the past two months staying up countless nights, writing endless pages of my escapades and flaws. I shuffled through men like ties, wearing a different one everyday. I convinced myself I was so happy. But suddenly I realized it was just the idea of being happy that was satisfying me, not actual happiness. I haven't hooked up with a guy since, I have basically lost all desire to. It is funny because I am actually quite happy. I am not as happy as I would be with him, but I am as happy as I could be without him. Instead of waking up every morning and texting him, I wake up every morning and look out my window. I see the sea, a vast bath of alternatives. Looking back at who I was or rather what we were, it fucking scares me. I remember how I was dreading to go to London, my favorite place on earth, because he wouldn't be coming with me. That just isn't fair to either of us. It's so fucking crazy how much happiness he gave me, so much he became the only thing that gave me happiness. It feels so fucking good to live and be confident in the fact that there are millions of things in the world that can make me equally elated. I am not trying to draw away from his significance because he is of the upmost importance to me. We fell in love, we are in love. Foster fell in love with an extremely destroyed human being. He was with someone that truly believed she could never be repaired. So he tirelessly attempted to repair her, but each time her stitches broke. He never gave up... But how cruel of her. Yes, it was cruel of me. It was so selfish. I would let myself drown knowing that he would swim to the bottom to retrieve my lifeless carcass. I can't even begin to imagine how exhausted he became, how unrewarding the experience seemed. 
The best thing that has ever happened to me was not having him in my life for these past few months. Slowly but surely I have sewed myself back together. I realized I needed and wanted to help myself. I have faced each death and addiction I have experienced in my life, and I have finally confronted it all. I cried the tears that I never allowed to escape from my body. I remember how I used to walk to the beach and sit there for hours. I would contemplate ending my life. Now I go to the beach, and I consider the things that will become of my life. I still become depressed quite often, but now I want to be the person to fix myself and pick myself up. I refuse to let any one thing or person become my source of happiness. I have learned that that is a catastrophic way to lead a life. 
So now I am finally ready to fucking live the shit out of my life. I want to fucking laugh and smile every god damn day. I want to surround myself with people that aren't fucked up, and that aren't looking to fuck me up. I am never going to take life too seriously again, and I will laugh at the people that do. I have begun to float. I feel like a weightless feather gliding through life, and feathers can't fucking drown. I'd like to live this life now with him. He doesn't think he is ready, but I think he is. I want to laugh and fuck and cuddle and run and walk and scream and just be happy with him, be happy with my best friend. I want to go fucking live. He wants freedom, and so I. So why don't we do it together? I also want to never write something as cliche as this shit again. I want him to get to know me. The person I am now. He says he needs a month or two, and if he honestly needs that then okay I will absolutely respect what he wants.  But it doesn't make sense to need time away from someone you don't know all that well. I am ready to have the time of my life, and I am not ready to be held back by another person. For once I am positive that I can be in love with him, and live the life I want. So why live that life without the person you're so fucking in love with? I'm not sure. Who knows what the fuck I am saying. Maybe I'm 100%, wrong but fuck it.

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